Skip to content

Target, I miss you

June 28, 2014

I went clothes shopping last night. Lord have mercy, I hate it with a passion. In this case, I went to Kohl’s and did the usual pack-mule routine:

  1. Amass forty-eight items, besting the “six items, please” policy of most places eight-fold, make sure to get two sizes of everything you remotely like.
  2. Hurry into the dressing room before you catch the eye of a re-stocker or another shopper trying to beat you to the last stall.
  3. Sift through the stash and put the favorites on top, hopeful that at least five of these items will fit and be a reasonable price.
  4. Pause every six or seven items to just breathe and give myself a pep talk, “You’re going to make it. Yes, you really should have worn different shoes/pants/bra/hairstyle today.”
  5. Make sure the coast is clear before putting forty-six of the original forty-eight things on the rack at the front of the dressing room.
  6. Give the rack a once-over in case someone your size left something decent.
  7. Buy the two things that fit, neither of which you came here to buy.

I know I’m taking a risk here that one of you, my beloved readers, works in retail and just reading that list lights in you a fury that burns with the heat of a thousand suns. But it’s what I do. And I’m going to play the disability card here because walking laps around a store, fastening and unfastening countless buttons, bending over to find the last size 14 on the rack, and everything else that goes into clothes shopping is a pain in my…well, everything. So, I call arthritis. Sometimes, I can’t get those sliding, pinching things closed over pants either, and I just leave the hanger in the dressing room and the pants in a bin. There. Now you know I’m a horrible customer. If you see me coming, at least you’ve been warned.

I'm pretty sure the Devil invented these right after he created high heels.

I’m pretty sure the Devil invented these right after he created high heels.

I cannot remember a time when I had fun clothes shopping. There have been moments of satisfaction when more clothes fit than usual: like when I lost some weight, or during college when my boobs finally arrived. But historically, it’s been a nightmare. Perhaps this is why I wear so many fandom shirts?

You'd think this would be a source of shame but all I can think is that I really NEED that Rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock number I've had my eye on for a while

You’d think this would be a source of shame but all I can think is that I really NEED that Rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock number I’ve had my eye on for a while

The older I get, the more sense my mother makes to me. The woman has been going out in public in a muumuu for decades. She slips on some shoes, puts on the appropriate undergarments, and heads out to Harris Teeter or the hardware store in what she politically refers to as “a patio dress.” She won’t go out to eat like that (unless it’s a drive-through situation), but she gets the paper, waters the lawn, and generally gallivants in that thing. In the winter, there’s a button-up over-muumuu.

This pic is linked to a pretty interesting blog by artist Rachel Herrick who explores our culture's obsession with obesity; sometimes when you Google muumuu images, the results are frikkin' brilliant

This pic is linked to a pretty interesting blog by artist Rachel Herrick who explores our culture’s obsession with obesity; sometimes when you Google muumuu images, the results are frikkin’ brilliant

As a young woman, I was mortified that my twangy Southern mother would play to stereotype this way. Now, as a mom in her mid-thirties, I have come to believe that the woman is a bonafide genius. She’s not playing by anyone’s rules with her muumuu. Heck, it’s practically a form of protest to dress this way. There are women I know who won’t leave their house without make-up. I labored in that Kohl’s last night trying to find something, anything, that fit and fashion-wise could be placed in this decade. But my mama’s patio dress is timeless. It never goes out of style because that sucker was never in style in the first place. Well, maybe long ago…

Wow, take away the blonde hair, the shotgun, the horrible parenting, and the philandering husband, and she could totally BE my mom.

Wow, take away the blonde hair, the shotgun, the horrible parenting, and the philandering husband, and she could totally BE my mom.

Speaking of, the main reason I was in Kohl’s today looking for shorts is because, for the weekends, I have decided to participate in the #offTarget effort of Moms Demand Action. The group has been identifying businesses where gunslingers have been showing up needlessly armed to the teeth. And Target has been in the news lately for such antics. At a store in South Carolina, a customer found a loaded gun in the toy section. So far, Moms Demand Action has been able to get Chipotle, Sonic, Chili’s and several other large chains to change their policies about open carry in their places of business.

I love every 48-pack in that place. Costco has my heart, y'all.

I love every 48-pack in that place. Costco has my heart, y’all.

Given how often I’m at Target (hint: it’s more than I’m at church, which is saying something), I felt I could easily give up weekend shopping for the sake of our families’ safety. Still, it’s so hard. We had to buy bedding today and we actually went to the mall for it. The mall! Target is our go-to for almost everything. But, I believe in this effort and it has everything I love in a good protest: clever use of social media, personal sacrifice, and endless pun/slogan potential.

As a former sloganeer, I salute you, Moms.

As a former sloganeer, I salute you, Moms.

Several of my friends who are defenders of a more generous interpretation of the 2nd amendment than I have told me that they find these open carry parades ridiculous. Even the NRA denounced them, but then they retracted their denouncement.

I hope you’ll consider joining me and other citizens in this #offTarget effort. I don’t mind shopping for clothes in a store that has a Pizza Hut in it (that’s actually a win-win in my mind). I draw the line at buying shorts in a saloon.

Barkeep, bring my boy here the tallest ICEE you've got.

Barkeep, bring my boy here the tallest ICEE you’ve got.

Have a great weekend and as Johnny Cash says, don’t take your guns to town.

 

Advertisements
2 Comments leave one →
  1. June 29, 2014 5:22 pm

    I admire this, and yet am strangely left with a craving for Chipotle….

Trackbacks

  1. God, guns, and glory |

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: